is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
