it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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