My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
