I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
where am i from again
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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