i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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