Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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