I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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