Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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