Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
