I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
