Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
