I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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