My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
