talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I intend to get homeless drunk
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Randomize
