I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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