god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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