Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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