I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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