There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
