do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
