Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
