My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
