I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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