I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
