Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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