if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
my poor anus
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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