Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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