I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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