i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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