shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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