Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Sober January is a disaster.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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