Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
