mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
