I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
