Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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