Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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