I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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