I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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