I feel great
I just peed on a car
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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