and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
