Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
pop tarts are not kleenex
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
