I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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