I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
