my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
