If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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