you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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