No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
