My cat gives me a boner
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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