where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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