Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
