We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
