She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
