Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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