Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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