So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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