oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
