All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
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