I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
