I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
