We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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