i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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